Where did you get a picture of my penis
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
