I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
