shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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