My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
