i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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