well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
