I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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