There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
