The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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