got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
