there's paper in my vomit.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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