I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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