This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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