Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
