i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
