Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Randomize
