Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
