Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
my liver is dry heaving
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
