gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Your penis caused this!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
