I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
