The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
