I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
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Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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