Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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