I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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