I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
