Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
