Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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