i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
