I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
