I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
