dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
