Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
