it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
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curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
There are leaves in my underwear?
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