Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
