It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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