Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
