Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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