I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My balls are so social today.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
