my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Send help, water and tortillas.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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