Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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