Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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