No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
