This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
