He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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