i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize