I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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