3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
