1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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