i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
