after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
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I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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