This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
