You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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