My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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