My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
