i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
