Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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