Where are you?
In a non slutty way
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
