Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Randomize
