you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
