So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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