Got a toothbrush?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
