Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
